A Letter to My Cats

-Seriously need have a sense of humor to read this-

Dear Cats,

First Bear:

You are a very bad cat!  Why must you eat rubber bands and paper towels, steal Rob's toothbrush and Pattie's hair brush, unroll my toilet paper and hid flies in my bed?  It is not funny.  Pattie is threatening to cook you in a nice General Tso's sauce that I won't be able to refuse.  How do you think this makes me feel knowing that her cooking could quite possibly have me eating my own cat?!  Please start behaving like a good cat.

Boots:

I am onto you.  I know you were the first to hide flies in my bed because it started before Bear was even here.  I must ask you to stop as it is grossing the shit out of me.  Actually avoid my bed altogether since you and Bear don't wipe your paws after using the litter box.  Also, if the litter box is full, I am sorry.  This however does not give you the right to poo right next to said litter box RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  This makes mommy mad and puts you as runner up for the wok. 

Both of you can be extremely insensitive to my sleep.  When I am sleeping I want to sleep.  Stop meowing.  Stop trying to get me to pet you.  Stop covering up your poo, you covered it already.  Stop pawing at the door, I cannot let you out, you have proven that you cannot be trusted in the real world (rest of the house) while I am asleep.  And stop knocking over my lamp on my nightstand.  Stop pushing my water bottle over.  Stop digging in the litter box, you're done.  Stop scratching at the door!  Stop playing with whatever it is you are playing with!  Stop meowing!  Stop eating your kibble so loud!  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST STOP! 

There is no need to wake me five minutes earlier than my alarm to remind me that you want your wet food.  There is no reason to trip me on my way to the bathroom.  Or on my way to the kitchen, or on my way back to my room with said wet food.  You tripping me just slows me down and means it takes longer.  And meowing at me isn't going to speed things up.  So keep quiet and out of my way and our morning with go much smoother.

As I am typing this up I see you eyeballing the keyboard with envy.  Do not be envious of this thing.  I assure you that once I am done my attention will then return back to you.  That does not mean you can come over here and walk on my keyboard until I give you attention either.  I cannot afford a new one at the moment, so please stop walking on it! 

If we can work on these problems I am sure you two will be the best house cats ever!

Yours truly,
Mommy

PS:  What with the puffy tail?  I don't get it.