Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Why I'm a dull girl

So the other day I had my facebook status as "I fear for myself. I am more jealous that my friend got to sleep in instead of being jealous that she just had loud monkey sex. Seriously, wtf is wrong with me?" which was provoked from the bed pounding against the wall in the room right above me. Unfortunately I am not making this up. The two love birds even freaked my cats out with the noise. So I played some Minecraft videos on a higher volume than normal trying to get my sanity in check.

But this really got me looking at how things have changed for me. From May 2010 to now (September 2011), I have been celibate. Not always by choice mind you, but I did something I have never done since I first lost my virginity in 2008 (yes, I was only 19). I did not activity seek a partner to just have sex with.

Call me a whore, I don't give a shit.

Once I lost my virginity, I knew the wonders and pleasures of sex. My first relationship was full of young innocence, and ironically young ignorance. You see, I hadn't ever been in a relationship previously. I hooked up with my first boyfriend, which wasn't much of a relationship because he never argued with me and we didn't share much in common. The only thing was the sex, which was ALL THE TIME. I'm not talking about some sissy once-a-week sex either. I am talking a good hour or two, sometimes longer given time, four times a day, maybe everyday if he was over enough. I don't know how he kept up with me, but he managed. I put bunnies to shame with my aggressive sexual appetite. I always seemed hungry for more.

My relationship with him ended because of two difference reasons. The first one was I could see the relationship wasn't going anywhere. Bless his heart, but he wasn't active enough for me. Several times I was the one that asked about going out to dinner or whatever. He would've been fine at home waiting for my next attack. The second reason was the sex started to bore me. I wanted adventure: different positions, role playing, light bondage, sub/dom in some cases even. (If you are reading this Rick, sorry, but it's true.) It was only missionary. Meh, after two months, I got bored fast.

So after him, technically, I didn't have any solid relationships. Well, meaningful relationships. Sexual relations still continued. I had, pardon my English, fuck buddies. Or also known as friends with benefits. Ahh, the good old days. Basically we'd hit each other up when one of us was horny and get together to 'hang out' which always lead to sex. No surprise really, since I hadn't gotten it out of my system in high school. The good thing is Pattie was very supportive in helping me stay protected and healthy through my whole tramp stage.

Don't judge.

One guy I had been seeing even told me not to be shy about 'putting out' on our first date because it was a good way to start a relationship. Wtf, seriously? That's your pick up line? My heart was never in it, so like the harlot I was, I got what I actually wanted. Not saying I had felt nothing at all for these guys. Some where friends, good friends. Others turned out to be dickheads. On a side note I have terrible taste in men.

TMI, right? Not to get you all caught up in my sticky past, but really if you look at that and at my over-a-year of celibacy, then maybe you'll understand. Because once I wasn't actively seeking sex anymore, things just settled down. I considered myself an reformed addict, if I may daringly throw out there. Sure I ogled the cuties in the restaurants, the bad boys in the bars, the nerds in the grocery store. But I never trusted my taste in men after the last one I picked.

Strangely I am not ashamed of this past I have behind me. I might not openly admit it, but really, I'm not going to lie about it either. And this is what scares me the most now... Because I have been seeing Vince for a good while. I expected him to put the moves on me. Hell, I was secretly begging for it (well, guess some things never change). But when I mentioned sex to him in passing, he kind of shrugged it off. He's only 26, mind you, and WTF HE JUST TURNED DOWN SEX?!

I let it go. I let it go because I don't want to have a brain meltdown trying to figure it out.

So that morning when I came home, ventured into my bedroom to hear the roomies bumping uglies (apparently into the wall), I realized I wasn't jealous of the crazy monkey sex they were having. I felt like I should be, damn it. Where is my monkey sex?! But I wasn't. I was tired, and more jealous that she got to sleep in while I had to wake up at 7am, like every morning, to feed the cats, feed myself and then head to work.

All work and no play... Eh, fuck it, I'm taking a nap.

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